Depression

1/14/2013

Depression

It’s an ugly word and one that nobody wants to hear about or recognize it exists but it does need to be talked about.   Some people call it the blues or being down in the dumps.  But for some of us it’s neither of those things - it’s depression and it’s hard to live with it.  I have suffered both silently and vocally for years with my on/off depression.  Truth be told my depression is more on than off and I want to talk about it.  Correction, I need to talk about it because at the moment I’m down. 

I’m not alone with my condition because research tells me that there are millions of people in just the United States who suffer from major depression.  And there is a stigma associated with depression as well as any other mental health condition that someone might suffer from. What’s so frustrating is attempting to explain what the hell is wrong with you to someone who doesn’t have depression.

You certainly don’t get up one morning and decide today’s the day that you’ll be depressed.  In fact the opposite is true, at least for me.  I try every day to be positive, uplifting and cheerful and some days keeping up my public face is really hard but I think I’m pretty successful.  When somebody asks you how you are, you respond that you are fabulous, fantastic, great.  What you will not say is that you are miserable, sad and certainly not depressed.  You’re going to keep those thoughts to yourself.  And most days you can away with it.  And then suddenly, without warning, you start to lose your grip and begin the slide to the bottom – again.  Some of us have been at the bottom so many times it feels like we might as well stay there.  The climb is difficult and there are any number of things along the way that will cause you to stumble backward.

For those of us who live with depression on a regular basis, we do receive medical help and swallow any number of pills a day to keep us mostly “sane”.  And I’ll be okay (by my standards) for days and perhaps even weeks.  And then for reasons I don’t even understand I’m no longer okay, fine, happy or getting by.  I fall down to the ground as I have time and time again.  It’s a feeling so hard to describe which makes it frustrating.  At that particular moment in time you just can’t be happy regardless of what you do or what someone says to you.  You don’t just “get over it”.  It doesn’t work that way.  You have to ride out the storm that is brewing inside your body until it weakens its hold on you.

People always ask why are you so depressed.  Answer?  Anything – everything. I am aware that depression affects more than just the sufferer.  I know it has to be difficult to live with someone who suffers from depression.  I get that.  I would give anything to be different and I’ve tried believe me. 

What people need to know about depression is that those of us who suffer from it can’t help it.  And there is no magic test that will tell definitely when or if you are cured.  Since I have suffered from repeated bouts of depression over the years and each occurrence sticks around longer, I’m having trouble believing that I’m going to ever be able to say I’m cured. 

I hope no one takes offense at my rant and I apologize for doing so but writing is cathartic.  I would like very much for all mental health conditions, not just depression, to have more public awareness and come out of the shadows where they currently live.

P