9/30/2013
End of September, can you believe it? The leaves are falling and the air in the mornings is brisk which gets your heart going. All of this is a good thing.
Those of you who might have read yesterday's second blog need not worry about me. I was in a bad place but managed to trundle on. Today is a better day - I promise. I'm scheduled to have an ECT treatment on Friday. I remain optimistic that the treatments will someday move my barometer from far left (the worst) to far right (the best) mood wise. The only thing I have to lose at this point is perhaps a small piece of my depressed mind. Cant hurt to try.
On my agenda for today? I need to vacuum and possibly toss a dust rag around haphazardly in the house. Of course I have books to read and more books to pick up. I am not allowing myself endless hours of sitting and watching television. One hour during the daytime is more than enough.
We watched the new tv show last night "The Mentalist" and it was action packed. What we didn't realize until the show was over that it was the 6th show in the series - we had skipped the pilot altogether. We'll now go back and watch the plot which will probably allow the following shows to make more sense, including the one we watched last night.
Tonight there is "Hostages" which we haven't seen yet and "Blacklist" which we have watched and it was an action packed, edge of your seat show. It's the sort of show that we both like watching. I am perfectly happy to watch shows on the Food Network but those are snooze fests for Jeff.
Today to stay busy I am going to tackle a few of my kitchen drawers. They need washing out and that is a relatively easy task. Notice I didn't say anything about cupboards because you have to have super human strength to tackle them. I am lacking in the strength part so I'll just stick to the drawers. Baby steps in cleaning the house. The "yuck" has been there for a long time so another day or two in the big picture won't kill anybody.
I spent part of yesterday plowing through the sludge that was building up in the spare rooms. It is far easier, after a trip, to toss the empty luggage into a room and close the door. It takes courage to go back into said room and put the suitcases away, hang up clothes and in generally right the mess that you (meaning me) have created. Of course cleaning up a room and actually putting things AWAY is a chore that is dull as dishwater. Not exciting and I don't know about you but I tend to get discouraged by the sheer volume of stuff that needs a home.
With the closure of the battery business we once ran with our oldest son, there is a mountain (and I do mean mountain) of paper that needs to be stored somewhere. Old paper boxes work wonders and we have filled up several of them with papers that, for business reasons, we must hold on to. Blah. Eventually, these boxes will leave the spare bedroom and make their way to the bowels of the basement never to be seen again.
And medical bills for this year also need to be contained. There is a lot of paper and it's not like you can just toss it out - we need to hang on to it for probably a year or so. So there's yet another box of paper that needs a home. We as a society swear we are paperless are truly kidding ourselves. I can attest to the volume of real paper that we have received and processed this year alone.
Enough rambling - time to go to the kitchen and begin to do some fall cleaning. I wasn't here for spring cleaning so better late than never.
Enjoy your day. P
Monday, September 30, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
The Nature of Depression
9/29/13
The Nature of Depression
I don't care if anybody reads this - it's just my mind relieving itself of the burden I carry around with me day after day. Depression is an ugly word and for most people not something they can comprehend. I have, over the course of many years, gathered all manner of advice, from well meaning friends.
The problem is that few, if any, have suffered from depression. Having the blues is an animal of a different sort. Blows in, fusses around your head for a day or two and then blows out. A long time ago I too had the occasional blues. But for the past 20 years or so the blues manifested themselves into full blown depression - the sticking around kind.
And if you're asking about just putting on a happy face, I can assure you that a happy face is only good for so long, and then it crumbles. And when it crumbles what you are left with is a true pit of despair. The kind of despair that sits at the end of a very long and dark tunnel where the sun doesn't shine.
I am, at the moment, asking only of myself that I get through every day in one piece. And right now that is asking a lot of me. I would give almost anything if I could wake up one morning and somehow magically during the night the veil of depression had lifted leaving me in a better and kinder place. Sadly, that hasn't happened, nor is likely that it will be that easy to rid myself of the beast that lives inside my brain. Sometimes I feel like my brain is trying to kill me and nearly has twice this year, and yet I'm still here and I wonder why.
The Nature of Depression
I don't care if anybody reads this - it's just my mind relieving itself of the burden I carry around with me day after day. Depression is an ugly word and for most people not something they can comprehend. I have, over the course of many years, gathered all manner of advice, from well meaning friends.
The problem is that few, if any, have suffered from depression. Having the blues is an animal of a different sort. Blows in, fusses around your head for a day or two and then blows out. A long time ago I too had the occasional blues. But for the past 20 years or so the blues manifested themselves into full blown depression - the sticking around kind.
And if you're asking about just putting on a happy face, I can assure you that a happy face is only good for so long, and then it crumbles. And when it crumbles what you are left with is a true pit of despair. The kind of despair that sits at the end of a very long and dark tunnel where the sun doesn't shine.
I am, at the moment, asking only of myself that I get through every day in one piece. And right now that is asking a lot of me. I would give almost anything if I could wake up one morning and somehow magically during the night the veil of depression had lifted leaving me in a better and kinder place. Sadly, that hasn't happened, nor is likely that it will be that easy to rid myself of the beast that lives inside my brain. Sometimes I feel like my brain is trying to kill me and nearly has twice this year, and yet I'm still here and I wonder why.
Sunday
9/29/2013
Sunday
A day of rest? Perhaps and perhaps not. Guess that depends on how much you got down on errand and chore Saturday. Speaking for myself, I didn't get much done yesterday so I'm feeling a bit antsy - actually agitated - today. This is one of those times when I sincerely wish I could adequately explain to someone - anyone - what this feels like. Truthfully, my mood is dark today and there just isn't much I can do about that. I'm supposed to redirect my emotions but just can't seem to get that done today.
We spent yesterday at Andy's house. We went to Ben's school for a pancake breakfast which was a price performer at $6.00. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, hash browns and the endless array of homemade goodies in the cafeteria. Stacey made sticky buns, which were delicious, and I had two of them.
We saw Ben's classroom and met his teacher. The classroom is lovely and so sophisticated from what I remember the boys' classrooms looking like. Computers, headphones and a big screen. Ben was anxious to show us his artwork and where his cubby was.
After breakfast we took a trolly to downtown, where numerous vendors were set up to sell food, jewelry, soap, handmade scarfs, etc. Under our new lean budget I bought nothing - I was tempted - but held strong. Stacey had a booth selling her skincare products as well as some beautiful wreaths to wear in your hair. She does amazing work and each wreath (or headband perhaps) was adorned with beautiful flowers and ribbon streamers at the back.
Ben got a bit fussy mid-morning and Andy, Jeff and I took him back to the house and finally got him to take a nap which allowed him to wake up in a better mood than the one he had BEFORE nap.
Jeff worked on Andy's generator and I read my library book. I have reserved so many books at the library - I have reached maximum holds! So I'm compiling a list of books I want to reserve when I'm able. Wally Lamb has a new book out "We Are Water". If you haven't read any of his books you should. I really enjoyed "She's Come Undone". Also check out "The Panther" by Nelson DeMille. ALL of his books are amazing reads.
I'm supposed to start my day program on Wednesday which will occupy most of my day and supposedly keep me out of trouble. I'm also supposed to have more ECT treatments, probably one a week.
Today I was supposed to have company but canceled the visit because my depression today has a firm grip on me and I think getting through the day will be a major achievement. I promised a rain check for later in the week but today was going to be impossible for me.
Well this is the second blog I have written today - I managed to lose the first one! So I'm going to sign off - and be sure to save.
Enjoy your day.
P
Friday, September 27, 2013
Bits and Pieces
9/27/2013
It's Friday and almost the end of September. Almost time to drag out sweaters and long pants and say good-bye to your summer tan. I was stuck inside all summer so I have no tan lines of any kind.
Our gas fireplace is on the fritz and the repairman is coming out to service it on Tuesday. He made mention to Jeff that perhaps it's not working because of spiders. I'm wondering how big or how many spiders there would have to be to prevent a nearly new gas fireplace to stop working. We're coming up on the season where a "fire" would feel good. I was so happy last year to see the end of piles of firewood (messy), ashes (also messy) and trying to breath life into a wavering fire. I know that once we get the gas log working again it will be very nice going forward as the days and evenings turn cool.
I went to the library yesterday and picked up 7 books that I had on hold. The problem with me having books is that there is very little desire (if there ever was) to do anything but read. I still have 20 or so books still on hold but the library has cut me off for reserving - guess I've reached my maximum number. No worries, I am as I write, getting ready to jot down the names of more books that I have gleaned from my magazines.
I had my head shrunk again yesterday and I am scaring the doctor and Jeff with my behaviors. I really am trying to be well and I am trying to take baby steps toward my recovery. It's just a slow process and I can only manage one day at a time. We left the doctor's office and bought me a seven day pill box which I have loaded up with my pills. I check in with Jeff after each dose and he can see if pills are missing for the days ahead.
Last night Jeff took me to a parking lot and I drove around in circles getting used to being behind the wheel again. It's been almost 10 months since I have driven and I never liked it anyway so I am relearning my way around the car. I'm not sure if I'm ready (or anybody else) to take the car out on a street. I know that night time driving isn't happening since I see things that aren't there - like believing that some signs are people or animals.
Tomorrow is October Fest in Andy and Stacey's town and we are planning on going out early in the morning for a pancake breakfast and then to join in whatever other activities are there. We probably can get some apples from local farmers, since this is apple season.
We have a hedge hog or ground hog (I don't know the difference) living under our front porch. Who knows maybe we'll have baby "hogs"! The squirrels are enjoying their dried corn cobs that we throw out on the lawn and can they ever devour a cob in a hurry. Our theory is that if we feed the squirrels maybe, and it's probably a stretch, they won't go looking for ways to get into the attic and set up housekeeping.
It's time for me to turn my attention to chores. I have finally beaten the laundry into submission so now I can concentrate on putting away the bits and pieces of paper that have accumulated in my absence. Would that I could just throw most of it away and not bother with where it belongs.
Well that's my news in a nutshell. I'm well today and that is what matters most.
P
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Roast Beef Salad - Some Assembly Required
9/26/2013
Bet you have questions about Roast Beef Salad. A family favorite I assure you. But, I'm going to share the recipe, such as it is, with you. I promise you that cold roast beef makes an awesome salad. Think chicken salad just make it with beef.
Obviously, you start with a roast (cooked!). After you have served the roast for dinner and there are leftovers, it's now time to make a wonderful salad you can eat tomorrow, and the next day etc.
Run the cold roast beef through your food processor until the roast beef has been reduced to small bits. Then add hard boiled eggs (I generally use four, but whatever works for you), pickle relish to taste, mayo also to taste, salt and pepper. Stir all this up, chill and wait until lunch to serve over lettuce or on bread. My boys look forward to roast beef - not for the meal - but for the awesome leftovers! Normally, whichever son(s) is around during the salad making gets a "to go" box to enjoy at his house. Only requirement is that the box comes back clean.
Yesterday was not a good day for me mental wise. I saw my psychiatrist and it was a good session, and when I got home I was in a good place mentally. Mid-afternoon I put the roasts in the oven for a few hours and allowed myself to watch a new series called "The White Queen" (Tudor England time). I knew that there was no way that Jeff would be interested in the series, so I sat back, enjoyed my coke and zoned out for an hour. What Jeff and I know about television that goes back to the year "x" where beheadings was commonplace. You were "in" on Tuesday and "out" on Wednesday. Not much chance of living a long life back then.
Andrew et al came by after dropping off one of their cars for mechanical repairs. Luckily, I had Au Gratin potatoes and veggies that I could put together quickly. Dinner was a success; but, somehow the stimuli was too much for me. I loved seeing them all and Benjamin was happy and found all of his toys, which were new to him, since he hasn't been at the house much this year. There was more noise (all good noise), but noise just the same for me to take in.
After they left, I told Jeff to get me out of the house and take me anywhere. We went to Germantown to check out the new Wegman's. First problem? Parking. You would think that the store was giving away food - and trust me their not. It took more than a New York minute to find a place to park. Once inside I was delighted, as always, with the beauty (can you really say that about a grocery store?) of the store. They have the most helpful staff I've ever seen, except maybe Nordstrom's. We picked up a few things, trying to avoid those gourmet, high end, products. One of the things we were looking for was Skippy Extra Chunk peanut butter. They had none. We did buy the store brand and I'm sure it's as good and likely made at the same factory, but was surprised that it wasn't there. Skippy creamy was there but for me it's got to be chunky. I can just imagine the peanut butter factory with "x" product being labeled Skippy and "y" product being labeled store brand.
I'm going back to see the psychiatrist today and we'll talk about being antsy and needing to stay grounded and focused. I am living one day at a time because that's all I can do now. Every day that I get through is an accomplishment. I am no longer looking at a week at a time and definitely not a month. No just getting through a day is all I can do for now.
Okay, I got a bit off subject. I started with roast beef, then peanut butter and then ended with how I'm feeling right now. Sorry about that. I'll try and stay on track going forward.
P
Bet you have questions about Roast Beef Salad. A family favorite I assure you. But, I'm going to share the recipe, such as it is, with you. I promise you that cold roast beef makes an awesome salad. Think chicken salad just make it with beef.
Obviously, you start with a roast (cooked!). After you have served the roast for dinner and there are leftovers, it's now time to make a wonderful salad you can eat tomorrow, and the next day etc.
Run the cold roast beef through your food processor until the roast beef has been reduced to small bits. Then add hard boiled eggs (I generally use four, but whatever works for you), pickle relish to taste, mayo also to taste, salt and pepper. Stir all this up, chill and wait until lunch to serve over lettuce or on bread. My boys look forward to roast beef - not for the meal - but for the awesome leftovers! Normally, whichever son(s) is around during the salad making gets a "to go" box to enjoy at his house. Only requirement is that the box comes back clean.
Yesterday was not a good day for me mental wise. I saw my psychiatrist and it was a good session, and when I got home I was in a good place mentally. Mid-afternoon I put the roasts in the oven for a few hours and allowed myself to watch a new series called "The White Queen" (Tudor England time). I knew that there was no way that Jeff would be interested in the series, so I sat back, enjoyed my coke and zoned out for an hour. What Jeff and I know about television that goes back to the year "x" where beheadings was commonplace. You were "in" on Tuesday and "out" on Wednesday. Not much chance of living a long life back then.
Andrew et al came by after dropping off one of their cars for mechanical repairs. Luckily, I had Au Gratin potatoes and veggies that I could put together quickly. Dinner was a success; but, somehow the stimuli was too much for me. I loved seeing them all and Benjamin was happy and found all of his toys, which were new to him, since he hasn't been at the house much this year. There was more noise (all good noise), but noise just the same for me to take in.
After they left, I told Jeff to get me out of the house and take me anywhere. We went to Germantown to check out the new Wegman's. First problem? Parking. You would think that the store was giving away food - and trust me their not. It took more than a New York minute to find a place to park. Once inside I was delighted, as always, with the beauty (can you really say that about a grocery store?) of the store. They have the most helpful staff I've ever seen, except maybe Nordstrom's. We picked up a few things, trying to avoid those gourmet, high end, products. One of the things we were looking for was Skippy Extra Chunk peanut butter. They had none. We did buy the store brand and I'm sure it's as good and likely made at the same factory, but was surprised that it wasn't there. Skippy creamy was there but for me it's got to be chunky. I can just imagine the peanut butter factory with "x" product being labeled Skippy and "y" product being labeled store brand.
I'm going back to see the psychiatrist today and we'll talk about being antsy and needing to stay grounded and focused. I am living one day at a time because that's all I can do now. Every day that I get through is an accomplishment. I am no longer looking at a week at a time and definitely not a month. No just getting through a day is all I can do for now.
Okay, I got a bit off subject. I started with roast beef, then peanut butter and then ended with how I'm feeling right now. Sorry about that. I'll try and stay on track going forward.
P
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Television and Books
9/25/2013
Television
In case any of you have forgotten, it's time for the new fall tv shows. Some of them are pretty good, some are dire, but almost all of them require, in my mind, at least an opportunity to show me how good/bad they really are.
Last night we watched "Black List" with James Spader who we like very much. This is an action packed show that will keep you on the edge of your seat I guarantee. Both of us were well and truly exhausted when the show ended.
We are both loyal Survivor fans and this year they have mixed things up a bit, with family members on opposing teams. Family ties? Team loyalty? Hmmm which would you choose?
We recorded Michael J. Fox's new show but haven't seen it yet, so I'll have to pass on judging.
There is Law & Order SUV, Criminal Minds and Modern Family just to name a few returning shows. Jeff and I have never actually watched Modern Family but I saw a few episodes in rehab and it's pretty good and bears watching. Of course, there is an endless number of reality shows that if you watched them all, would definitely turn your brain to mush.
Just finished reading "The Forgotten Garden" by Kate Morton and it's a must read. I loved it so much that I have reserved her other books from the library. The reviews are good for "The White Princess" by Philippa Gregory which is her 5th book in the Cousins' War series.
There is a good review for "The Exiles" by Allison Lynn that while my library has it on order, will definitely be on my reading list later this year.
And for you Showtime "The Borgias" fans, check out "Blood & Beauty" by Sarah Dunant which covers that famous and evil family and looks like a good read to me. It's also on my library list. The library, though slower than using Amazon, costs me nothing. Since we're in a bit of a belt tightening phase (not earning a salary will do that for people), I am not paying for something that I can get for free, even if it means a wait.
Weather in Maryland is beautiful today and we'll be going to the doctor later this morning with the top down.
P
Television
In case any of you have forgotten, it's time for the new fall tv shows. Some of them are pretty good, some are dire, but almost all of them require, in my mind, at least an opportunity to show me how good/bad they really are.
Last night we watched "Black List" with James Spader who we like very much. This is an action packed show that will keep you on the edge of your seat I guarantee. Both of us were well and truly exhausted when the show ended.
We are both loyal Survivor fans and this year they have mixed things up a bit, with family members on opposing teams. Family ties? Team loyalty? Hmmm which would you choose?
We recorded Michael J. Fox's new show but haven't seen it yet, so I'll have to pass on judging.
There is Law & Order SUV, Criminal Minds and Modern Family just to name a few returning shows. Jeff and I have never actually watched Modern Family but I saw a few episodes in rehab and it's pretty good and bears watching. Of course, there is an endless number of reality shows that if you watched them all, would definitely turn your brain to mush.
Just finished reading "The Forgotten Garden" by Kate Morton and it's a must read. I loved it so much that I have reserved her other books from the library. The reviews are good for "The White Princess" by Philippa Gregory which is her 5th book in the Cousins' War series.
There is a good review for "The Exiles" by Allison Lynn that while my library has it on order, will definitely be on my reading list later this year.
And for you Showtime "The Borgias" fans, check out "Blood & Beauty" by Sarah Dunant which covers that famous and evil family and looks like a good read to me. It's also on my library list. The library, though slower than using Amazon, costs me nothing. Since we're in a bit of a belt tightening phase (not earning a salary will do that for people), I am not paying for something that I can get for free, even if it means a wait.
Weather in Maryland is beautiful today and we'll be going to the doctor later this morning with the top down.
P
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
I'm Home - Again
9/24/2013
It's been a long time since I've sat down at a computer much less blogged about anything. So it stands to reason that I should have a lot to say. We'll see.
Jeff picked me up from my residential treatment center on Sunday and I was very happy to be home and I believe he feels the same way. I am making headway with organizing things here at the house - my way and the more I put things right the happier me and my OCD tendencies are. Jeff did an outstanding job of holding down the fort in my absence, there was and continues to be a mountain of paperwork which even I am reluctant to mess with. It's in a pile at the moment and that's where it's going to stay for a day or two. I do not want to overwhelm myself this time and want and need to take things one step and one day at a time.
Today is laundry day and there's a lot of it. Good news? You can only do one load at a time which allows for a certain amount of rest between loads. I'm also trying to catch up on my magazine reading (they weren't allowed at the facility) and making sure that I have everything scheduled on the Tivo for the new fall shows. What I'm not going to do this time is to sit in front of the television as an entire day unfolds around me. I know it's not a healthy behavior and I MUST and WILL succeed this time. Failure just isn't an option for me. I have already missed a huge part of the year and those months away from home I will never be able to get back - but I can control my future with small baby steps going forward.
Next week I will be in a day program at the local hospital for about 6 hours a day, 6 days a week. I will do that program for several weeks and then can and probably will transfer to an evening program. The more I have to do, the better it will be for me.
After we landed on Sunday, Jeff took me to McDonald's for french fries and a diet coke. Heaven. We spent the evening at Andy's house and he fixed hamburgers and we had s'mores by the fire pit. Benjamin doesn't want s'mores - nope he just wants chocolate. A child after my own heart. He did ask me if I was still sick and I told him I was much better, which I am.
Today is hair cut day - at last. Tomorrow is an appointment with my psychiatrist for a check in. Who knows she may want me to see her more than once a week, at least for a while.
Happily, the residual chest pains left over from my heart surgery have now all but disappeared. And, while I was in treatment we had to walk up hill to the dining hall for groups and meals, and I stopped using my cane and managed to get up the hill sometimes 8 times a day. Mind you, it wasn't a fast walk and most of the other residents left me behind - but I did it and I am damn proud of myself for even trying.
I'm hankering for a steak and baked potato for dinner. We'll work that into our schedule probably some time this week. Last Saturday - the 21st was our 39th anniversary and while this year won't go down as one of our best - at least we're still standing and that's saying a lot.
I'm hoping today we can take a ride out to a local orchid and buy apples. My favorite apple is the Jonathan because it's so crisp. I hate a mushy apple - only thing they are good for is pie.
I have reconnected with the library and paid my dollar fine for holding a book and not picking it up. My sister sent me a book by Kate Morton and I liked it so much that I have gone online and reserved the other books that she has written. Check out her novels I think you'll like them.
I want to say thank you for all the cards, letters and prayers that were sent to me while I was away. I'm feeling much better now and am more in control of my emotions and am willing to work hard to stay in the game. I can't explain adequately in words what my depression feels like. My brain just feels dark and it's a constant struggle to remain sane (for lack of a better word).
A friend gave me a book called "Strengthsfinder 2.0". You complete an online questionnaire and then you receive your top 5 themes. Mine are: harmony, empathy, developer, discipline and positivity. Then each strength is broken out individually. For instance what makes you stand out and a reoccurring question for each theme to find the words, phrases, etc. that stand out for you. The second question is out of all the talents in each group what would you like others to see most in you. Then you are given a list of ideas for action for each one of your themes. You might want to check out and see what your strengths are. I, for one, have trouble identifying the positive traits that I have. Much easier to focus on the negative, but that way of thinking can no longer exist in the forefront of my mind. Nope, my glass is half full and my life is beginning afresh starting today.
Okay, I"ve rambled on long enough - my coffee is cold and there is laundry to move around. Have a great day. Thanks for your support.
P
It's been a long time since I've sat down at a computer much less blogged about anything. So it stands to reason that I should have a lot to say. We'll see.
Jeff picked me up from my residential treatment center on Sunday and I was very happy to be home and I believe he feels the same way. I am making headway with organizing things here at the house - my way and the more I put things right the happier me and my OCD tendencies are. Jeff did an outstanding job of holding down the fort in my absence, there was and continues to be a mountain of paperwork which even I am reluctant to mess with. It's in a pile at the moment and that's where it's going to stay for a day or two. I do not want to overwhelm myself this time and want and need to take things one step and one day at a time.
Today is laundry day and there's a lot of it. Good news? You can only do one load at a time which allows for a certain amount of rest between loads. I'm also trying to catch up on my magazine reading (they weren't allowed at the facility) and making sure that I have everything scheduled on the Tivo for the new fall shows. What I'm not going to do this time is to sit in front of the television as an entire day unfolds around me. I know it's not a healthy behavior and I MUST and WILL succeed this time. Failure just isn't an option for me. I have already missed a huge part of the year and those months away from home I will never be able to get back - but I can control my future with small baby steps going forward.
Next week I will be in a day program at the local hospital for about 6 hours a day, 6 days a week. I will do that program for several weeks and then can and probably will transfer to an evening program. The more I have to do, the better it will be for me.
After we landed on Sunday, Jeff took me to McDonald's for french fries and a diet coke. Heaven. We spent the evening at Andy's house and he fixed hamburgers and we had s'mores by the fire pit. Benjamin doesn't want s'mores - nope he just wants chocolate. A child after my own heart. He did ask me if I was still sick and I told him I was much better, which I am.
Today is hair cut day - at last. Tomorrow is an appointment with my psychiatrist for a check in. Who knows she may want me to see her more than once a week, at least for a while.
Happily, the residual chest pains left over from my heart surgery have now all but disappeared. And, while I was in treatment we had to walk up hill to the dining hall for groups and meals, and I stopped using my cane and managed to get up the hill sometimes 8 times a day. Mind you, it wasn't a fast walk and most of the other residents left me behind - but I did it and I am damn proud of myself for even trying.
I'm hankering for a steak and baked potato for dinner. We'll work that into our schedule probably some time this week. Last Saturday - the 21st was our 39th anniversary and while this year won't go down as one of our best - at least we're still standing and that's saying a lot.
I'm hoping today we can take a ride out to a local orchid and buy apples. My favorite apple is the Jonathan because it's so crisp. I hate a mushy apple - only thing they are good for is pie.
I have reconnected with the library and paid my dollar fine for holding a book and not picking it up. My sister sent me a book by Kate Morton and I liked it so much that I have gone online and reserved the other books that she has written. Check out her novels I think you'll like them.
I want to say thank you for all the cards, letters and prayers that were sent to me while I was away. I'm feeling much better now and am more in control of my emotions and am willing to work hard to stay in the game. I can't explain adequately in words what my depression feels like. My brain just feels dark and it's a constant struggle to remain sane (for lack of a better word).
A friend gave me a book called "Strengthsfinder 2.0". You complete an online questionnaire and then you receive your top 5 themes. Mine are: harmony, empathy, developer, discipline and positivity. Then each strength is broken out individually. For instance what makes you stand out and a reoccurring question for each theme to find the words, phrases, etc. that stand out for you. The second question is out of all the talents in each group what would you like others to see most in you. Then you are given a list of ideas for action for each one of your themes. You might want to check out and see what your strengths are. I, for one, have trouble identifying the positive traits that I have. Much easier to focus on the negative, but that way of thinking can no longer exist in the forefront of my mind. Nope, my glass is half full and my life is beginning afresh starting today.
Okay, I"ve rambled on long enough - my coffee is cold and there is laundry to move around. Have a great day. Thanks for your support.
P
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