I'm Home - Again

9/24/2013

It's been a long time since I've sat down at a computer much less blogged about anything.  So it stands to reason that I should have a lot to say.  We'll see.

Jeff picked me up from my residential treatment center on Sunday and I was very happy to be home and I believe he feels the same way.  I am making headway with organizing things here at the house - my way and the more I put things right the happier me and my OCD tendencies are.  Jeff did an outstanding job of holding down the fort in my absence, there was and continues to be a mountain of paperwork which even I am reluctant to mess with.  It's in a pile at the moment and that's where it's going to stay for a day or two.  I do not want to overwhelm myself this time and want and need to take things one step and one day at a time.

Today is laundry day and there's a lot of it.  Good news?  You can only do one load at a time which allows for a certain amount of rest between loads.  I'm also trying to catch up on my magazine reading (they weren't allowed at the facility) and making sure that I have everything scheduled on the Tivo for the new fall shows.  What I'm not going to do this time is to sit in front of the television as an entire day unfolds around me.  I know it's not a healthy behavior and I MUST and WILL succeed this time.  Failure just isn't an option for me.  I have already missed a huge part of the year and those months away from home I will never be able to get back - but I can control my future with small baby steps going forward.

Next week I will be in a day program at the local hospital for about 6 hours a day, 6 days a week.  I will do that program for several weeks and then can and probably will transfer to an evening program.  The more I have to do, the better it will be for me.

After we landed on Sunday, Jeff took me to McDonald's for french fries and a diet coke. Heaven.  We spent the evening at Andy's house and he fixed hamburgers and we had s'mores by the fire pit.  Benjamin doesn't want s'mores - nope he just wants chocolate.  A child after my own heart.  He did ask me if I was still sick and I told him I was much better, which I am.

Today is hair cut day - at last.  Tomorrow is an appointment with my psychiatrist for a check in.  Who knows she may want me to see her more than once a week, at least for a while.

Happily, the residual chest pains left over from my heart surgery have now all but disappeared.  And, while I was in treatment we had to walk up hill to the dining hall for groups and meals, and I stopped using my cane and managed to get up the hill sometimes 8 times a day.  Mind you, it wasn't a fast walk and most of the other residents left me behind - but I did it and I am damn proud of myself for even trying.

I'm hankering for a steak and baked potato for dinner.  We'll work that into our schedule probably some time this week.  Last Saturday - the 21st was our 39th anniversary and while this year won't go down as one of our best - at least we're still standing and that's saying a lot.

I'm hoping today we can take a ride out to a local orchid and buy apples.  My favorite apple is the Jonathan because it's so crisp.  I hate a mushy apple - only thing they are good for is pie.

I have reconnected with the library and paid my dollar fine for holding a book and not picking it up.  My sister sent me a book by Kate Morton and I liked it so much that I have gone online and reserved the other books that she has written.  Check out her novels I think you'll like them.

I want to say thank you for all the cards, letters and prayers that were sent to me while I was away.  I'm feeling much better now and am more in control of my emotions and am willing to work hard to stay in the game.  I can't explain adequately in words what my depression feels like.  My brain just feels dark and it's a constant struggle to remain sane (for lack of a better word). 

A friend gave me a book called "Strengthsfinder 2.0".  You complete an online questionnaire and then you receive your top 5 themes. Mine are: harmony, empathy, developer, discipline and positivity.  Then each strength is broken out individually.  For instance what makes you stand out and a reoccurring question for each theme to find the words, phrases, etc. that stand out for you.  The second question is out of all the talents in each group what would you like others to see most in you.  Then you are given a list of ideas for action for each one of your themes.  You might want to check out and see what your strengths are.  I, for one, have trouble identifying the positive traits that I have.  Much easier to focus on the negative, but that way of thinking can no longer exist in the forefront of my mind.  Nope, my glass is half full and my life is beginning afresh starting today.

Okay, I"ve rambled on long enough - my coffee is cold and there is laundry to move around.  Have a great day.  Thanks for your support.

P