The Measure Of A Man

 5/25/2021

I wrote a blog about this subject, a few years ago. I want to tell you about Jeff, the man who married me 47 years ago. And, as luck would have it, is still standing strong beside me. Taking care of me is and has been nearly a 24/7 job, for him.

There were many, many good years. We went places, we did things, we took our plane to the Bahamas twice (how cool is that?). Not that it matters, but when you are flying from Florida to the Bahamas, there is a very a instant distinction in the water. You probably can't see this division of colors, from a commercial plane, but you can see at the lower level we fly at. For "x" hours, there is this mucky gray colored water in the ocean, and later you look down, and the water is blue. It is beautiful to see.

I have been "mildly" depressed for more years, than I want to think about. And, somewhere along my life's journey, mildly would no longer be an adequate word to describe my depression. The doctor gave me pills to help battle my depression, and they worked to help "maintain" my mental state. 

Then, a few years ago, I became really "mental". There are no adequate words to describe what was or was not going on in my head. Very hard to describe depression, to people who have never experienced it for themselves. And, I hope you never do.

Long story short, my mental state began to get worse. I couldn't, and still can't remember, what happened yesterday, much less remember what my breakfast was today. In just a few hours, I won't likely remember what I had for breakfast.

And now I'm here, in an Assisted Living facility. I have a studio apartment, all 434 feet of it, and thanks to Wendy and Stacey, my "apartment" is very pretty and feminine. 

Not everybody in the family, thought that I was making the right move to come here. But, I know that Jeff deserves to have some kind of life for himself. Jeff works very, very hard to take care of his customers. And, I know they appreciate this.

The family moved me into apartment 352. Will I remain in this facility, or another one like this for the remainder of my life? Hard to say.

What I do know, is that it seems unlikely that I will ever move back into the house. This makes my heart hurt, but my "brain" knows what is best for me. I have fallen several times while being here, but thanks to good bones, haven't broken any bones. This is a very good thing.

While I don't live at home, Jeff has been my rock through this transition period. We email back and forth through the day, but for the most part, we don't call each other. 

Here's the most important thing to know, that I have and will continue to struggle with my body and brain, I know that Jeff is just an email away. 

He has been very kind to me. I told him about the soft mattress on the bed, and a new one is on it's way. Required to wear those compression socks, so found a very colorful set of socks, that will actually not go with anything. But, I'm past caring what I look like when I'm here. 

A very nice water coloring set, including anything and everything you could or would need to "paint". And, Jeff has been very good about buying, for the most part, things on my Amazon list. And, I'm grateful for this.

Over the years, we have had some issues, like every other couple does. After being forced to retire for medical reasons, I stayed home 24/7. The family, and they are right, but I don't have to like it, will no longer let me drive. This means that Jeff, or somebody else, has to take me to my appointments, etc. 

I guess you shouldn't drive, if you can't even find your car in a parking lot. When we shop, Jeff always parks the car in the closest handicap space he can find. Before we go into the store, he'll point out to me, where the car is. I generally go out to the car before him, but there have been too many times where I'm literally staring at my car in the parking lot, but I don't see it. 

This move, while perhaps not what we thought or wanted to do, was the right move. He can, and does, work very long hours each day. And, because I'm not there, he doesn't have to wonder what kind of trouble I've gotten myself into. Okay, I stood on a chair to reach something at the top of the cupboard, lost my balance, broke the chair and fell, as an example. 

If, when we were married in 1974, you had told me then, that someday I would have a body and a brain, not working as they should. I would have laughed at you. Now, not so much.

Through all of this and past nonsense, Jeff has never let me down. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for me. He recognizes that my brain doesn't work at 100% now. And it seems unlikely that it ever will. Yet, he stays. My body movements, are shaky now, and yet he stays. I bring nothing to the "party", and yet he stays. I get angry and frustrated, and yet he stays. I didn't realize until I came here, how much I didn't know how to do. 

Just trying to hook up my sound machine, that Jeff bought me, was beyond my ability. Victor, the handyman, had to come and fix it up for me. And, other things like that. I'm not gracefully going older, I fight every step of the way. And, it's a number thing, truly. It's my inability to be able to know, understand and do things on my own.

It's beyond hard to live with somebody who can't remember much of anything, such as myself. And, through all the madness, the battles fought, over stupid stuff, and everything else I have put him through.

YET HE STAYS.

P