Baby Steps

11/14/2013

I think we all can agree that 2013 so far hasn't been my best year, which is an understatement.  I have spent more time in hospitals, of one form or another, than at home.  If I was pressed to recall the dates and locations of my stay, it would be impossible for me to do so.

I do know that I went to Chicago in August and stayed there until September 22nd.  I remember the discharge date because it was the day after our anniversary.  Jeff flew to Chicago to pick me up, and I was never so glad to be going home.  Once I came home I started a day program at the local hospital five days a week and that program lasted about a month.  Now I go to an evening program just three days a week and it feels wonderful to have some control over my life.

I have spent several days alone on the weekends while Jeff either goes flying or goes out to Andy's house to play "farmer".  I know it takes a lot of trust on Jeff's part to leave me alone, so I don't want to disappoint him.  Through talk therapy and medicine and a few additional ECT treatments, I do feel safe.  I have control over my seven day pillbox which I leave on the counter so that Jeff can see which day of the week's pills I have taken.  This is a baby step in trusting me to not abuse this small privilege regarding my medicine.

As far as driving goes, up until yesterday I had only been behind the wheel twice since January.  It is scary and feels a bit like learning to drive all over again.  Yesterday, I had a routine test at a lab about a mile from the house and I drove myself.  I was nervous, but survived and I am proud of myself for doing something so easy by most people's standards.  I am for sure not ready, and may never be, to take on the interstate but it would be enough for me to be able to get myself to the library and the hairdresser for now.

As far as I am concerned, every day that passes with my being harm free, is a very good day and makes me proud of myself.  I have a long way to go in recovery and feel it's likely that I will always be depressed, on some level or another.  I believe I can live with depression and also believe that I can and will remain safe.  I told Jeff yesterday that I'm tired of hospitals abd tired of group therapy sessions.  

I know that my life going forward will never be the same as it was in January, and I get that.  What I'm trying to do now is prove to family and friends that I am safe and intend to stay that way.  I am doing the hard work necessary for me to get control of my life and not allow negative feelings to run and/or ruin it.  I know some days will be better than others but I am really trying to focus on the big picture and keep moving forward.

It's a beautiful Thursday here on the east coast and I hope the sun is shining where you are.

P