Parenting

10/11/12

Parenting

I have three adult sons which means that I survived their growing up years.  And, I use the word "survived" loosely.  If you are at the present time raising children, let me give you hope.  The child years that are currently causing you to pull out your hair will seem like a piece of cake once your little ones grow up and become adults.  I know I've been there. 

I remember on an occasional bad day(s), wishing I could hit the fast forward button on life - theirs in particular.  And then it happened.  While I wasn't looking I was watching my youngest son graduate from college and while I should have been focused on the speaker, I instead concentrated on my memories and where the years had gone.  Where was the rewind button? Believe me when I tell you that once they grow up you don't get those years back - ever.

With small children you mostly have small problems that in reality are only big in the moment.  Small children have fewer options since we as adults tell them when to go to bed, when to get up, what to eat and where to go.  For the most part they comply at least while they are really young.  Attitude seems to come with the business of growing up and I will tell you that I had push back as the boys became older and bigger than me!

The boys are all on their own now which is the way parenting is supposed to turn out.  You - empty nest.  Them - on their own.  However, with adult children come their adult-sized problems.  You are no longer dealing with a scraped knee or a hurt ego both of which can easily be fixed.  Now the problems they bring to you are biggies and there's not much (or anything) that you can do about it.  So you listen and allow them to blow off steam in your general direction because that's what kids do.  This letting go process may be cathartic for them but may leave you feeling drained and helpless.

My parents had a very different outlook on parenting and perhaps yours did as well.  Once you left the house at 18 you were no longer their problem.  I doubt very much that my parents spent many sleepless nights worrying on my behalf after I became an adult.  I can't say the same for myself.  I want to wave my magic wand at all their problems and make them go away.  I still want to protect them the way I did years ago and know that I can't and shouldn't.

Watching your child stretch his wings and "fly" away is a major accomplishment for all of you and part of life.  I get that it needs to occur - but it comes so quickly (at least that's how I see it now). 

My job now is to sit back and watch the boys tend to their own business as adults.  Yes I can offer advice when it's solicited - but not before.  They have their life's to live and if I've done my job well then they have all the necessary tools in place to succeed.  Believing that I did my job the best way I knew how allows me some peace (but not all the time!) as I watch them move through the world in their own and unique ways. 

P