A Beautiful Saturday

2/4/2017

Super Bowl Sunday has a deep meaning for myself and my family.  It was on that day in 2013, that I decided it was time to check out.  I nearly succeeded.  People who attempt suicide are generally not messing around.  They don't want to scare their family by their actions. They are simply so depressed that life has little or no meaning.  I know all about what a good life I had in 2013, but somehow on that particular Sunday none of that mattered.

I've been depressed and anxious a number of times over the past 42 years.  I've seen psychologists and psychiatrists.  I've been given pills to swallow, under the strictest scrutiny by Jeff.  Extra pills are locked up in a safe.  When a large pill refill order arrives in the mail, am I a little bit tempted to take them?  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. While my mental health has improved some since 2013, I still wonder what I'm doing here.  I'm not looking for sympathy and don't expect it.  I'm looking and hoping for understanding.

I had more than 20 ECT treatments, which shortly after the procedure leaves a person in a bit of a fog.  There is some research that talks about people having some form of brain damage after their ECT treatments.  Since 2013 was such a traumatic year for my family and I, perhaps it's better for me emotionally that I don't remember much that happened that year.  Even though I can't remember the things, dates and places where I was in 2013, in some way I wish I could.  It's not easy knowing that you've basically "lost" nearly an entire year of your life.  Gone - nada - not coming back.

There are things worse that could happen to a person physically or mentally.  I know this.  But, I also know that when depression comes around, it doesn't just nibble at your brain, it takes over.  You can try and "talk" your way out of depression, by reminding yourself that you deserve to be here.  Sometimes, self-talk simply doesn't work.  And forget all about the boot strap theory.  That doesn't work either.  It's really hard, but I know important, to try and be positive.  To look at a glass that is half-full, not half-empty.  On good days, and yes I have some of those, particularly when it's sunny and bright outside, where I feel almost normal, whatever normal is.

It actually doesn't take much to push me into a downward spiral.  Things bother and upset me.  Trivial things.  A piece of mail from someone, such as the IRS, puts me in a tailspin, even when I know that there's nothing wrong, just a misfiling of a document.  Jeff has and continues to do all the heavy lifting.  I'm in charge of little things.  Things that in the big picture don't matter much.  A grocery list, keep track of tax documents when they come in the mail, and handle our insurance policies.  All of these things are stress free. Keeping a list of positives and negatives to talk to my psychiatrist about is something else that I do.  

I don't involve myself with big issues and my input is not helpful, in the big scheme of things.  I have enough trouble remembering something Jeff told me let's say two days ago!  I want to be helpful and I want and need to believe I'm part of the process of things like making decisions about stocks, for example.

I've never thought of myself as a deep thinker.  I can hold onto lots of trivia, but things like world news goes in one brain cell and out another.  And perhaps that's because world news is now so negative and unsettling.

My champion in my fight to survive, is and always has been Jeff.  While I let him and my family down in 2013, I can never adequately (in my opinion) repair the damage that I caused.  But, I'm here now and still in the game, even though it's with a somewhat diminished memory.

P