Personal Problem - Personal Rant

11/8/2017

The person I am today, wasn't supposed to be here at all.  I'm not looking for any kind of sympathy, it is what it is.  It's called life and sometimes you're just dealt a shitty hand.  Or, so you believe.  And, for me personally, when I thought all the positives in my life were going, going, gone, I literally couldn't wait to take my last breath.  I am aware that suicide is largely frowned upon by society, and yet when a person becomes so severely depressed, and you're definitely down for the count, somehow you are given a life preserver.  You may not want that preserver, I know I didn't. Fade to black was all I cared about, and yet here I am.

You know how they tell you that when you come to cross roads, you can either go left or right.  Making the right decision for yourself, at that time, largely depends on which road you pick.  Let's call one road "optimistic trail" and the other "pessimistic avenue".  You're life can change on a dime after you make that initial decision.  I know mine did.

So here I am today, after having survived nearly 9 months of being away from home, and over 20 ECT treatments, I'm bodily here today.  What I am not and have lost faith that I ever will be again, is right in the brain.  I have done hours and hours of word search and crossword puzzles, and yet my short term memory continues to be well - short.  I get in so much trouble because I can't hold on to what I'm told, and yes I've written it down, but then I turn around twice and forgot where the paper is.  This is my life.  This will always be my life.  I run around day after day apologizing for forgetting to do this or that.  Trust me, I'm not trying to forget, I just forget.  And then when it's called to my attention regarding this or that, I have an "OMG" moment of ack I've forgotten something yet again.  

While not healthy, I can sit in my chair and read or watch television, and pretty much stay out of harm's way.  Healthy?  No, but safe, definitely safe.  So, for all the people in my life who have to put up with me at one time or another, I am truly sorry that I seem unable to be a better me.

Okay, rant over.  Climbing off my soap box now.  Pity party over now.  No need to worry on my behalf, I'm going to be fine, just needed to unburden myself.  A person has to do that every now and again.

P