When you suffer from depression, like I do, you never know when your level of depression is going to hit 10, with 10 being the maximum.
I'm having one of those "10" type of days. No reason. There never is. The demon that is depression just suddenly appears. Last week had been a good week for me and my psychiatrist was pleased with all the positive things I had told her about.
But today, my private hell (depression) is back in full force. It's never gotten so bad that I want to go to bed and sleep the day away. But it's days like this that make me wonder why I suffer from this ugly but unseen disease. When you pass people on the street, 99% of the time you would never suspect that a person(s) is depressed. There are signs if you're looking for them, but most people, myself included, try to tamp down our private demon.
Jeff is very understanding, but it's very hard to tell somebody what depression feels like. Something just comes over you, and more likely than not, settles in for the long haul. On days such as this, I wonder what the hell I'm doing here. It's not like I'm much fun. And, I don't believe I bring very much to the table, and yes I'm sure Jeff would disagree with that statement.
I function and do those things that are expected of me, like laundry and cooking. However, I don't have much of a joy factor and wish I did. Many years ago, I was outgoing and engaged. I took exercise classes, played racquet ball, painted ceramics and pretty much did anything else you can imagine.
While it's not good for me to be a recluse, it's easier to be one. When you're a party of one, nobody's around and consequently, nobody expects anything from you. This is not a good way or a healthy way to live one's life.
If you are worried about me, don't be. I'm going to be fine. I just have to get over this bout of depression and hope it's not going to stick around for very long.
P
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